Fractalised

I got hit with a landmine at today's Altrusa meeting. I was feeling all proud of myself because it was the first time I didn't tear up while saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I know, it's just one of those things that happens to me, like the time I sat with tears streaming down my face as a table of little five year olds in Maygen's kindergarten class sang America the Beautiful for me. So anyway, I thought I was doing great, even after hearing the speaker, who was a 24 year old recovering drug addict single mom speak about her recovery and how helpful the PEP program has been. PEP is one of Altrusa's big programs, Parent Enhancement Program, for young moms from teens through age 25. It was a little emotional thinking how easily that could've been me, was me in some ways.....but I was still fine, glad for her strength, glad to have something to contribute....
The very end of the meeting is where they do Brag Basket. You put $1 in the basket and brag about something. Bev said, you should say you're going to Florida to see her off! I said wait til I get back. She's like no, say it NOW! Bev's a Realtor who doesn't take no for an answer, so I pulled a dollar out of my purse, stood up and dropped it in the basket, and said, "I'm going to see my daughter..........", and choked up. I looked down at the woman sitting next to me. She whispered encouragingly, "just SAY it!" I looked at Bev, who said, "I'll say it for you." I gladly agreed and waved her on as I sat back down. Bev turns to the room and starts to say the words, and turns back to me - now SHE'S crying, and I start laughing as I'm crying, too. Bev got the words out, all patriotic, that I'm going to visit my daughter to send her off before she goes to Iraq to serve our country in war and we all need to be praying for her (which to me is a most valuable thing for one person to do for another. Maygen's response when I told her about this - "I am set, then! I will have no (or little) fear"). All I remember is Bev's eyes as we looked at each other across the table, laughing and crying, well, mostly crying. She came over and we gave each other a big hug, we were both taken off guard with ourselves....... but the cool thing is, I felt completely safe having this emotional display happen in front of a roomful of people, not people - strong women. I have wanted women like this in my life for an eternity, it seems.
Someone came up to me asking for a hug saying she knew exactly how I felt because her son-in-law left that day for a year in Iraq. I managed to escape still relatively intact until I got into the car. Then it was like the dam opened and these weren't just tears threatening, these were royal hiccupping sobs attempting to burst out. It's like the thing isn't really real until you actually say it, or hear someone else say it. The day i found out was the day I ran into you, and I guess you've been the best diversion but now it's time to face the music. I thought, I can't go back to work like this! I turned right out of the country club and went looking for your road. I found it, there sat your car....that helped matters some, enough. Okay, so little rivers down my cheeks all the way back to work. An hour later I got a really sweet email from the President of the club saying she knew it was difficult for me to let everyone know but she's glad I did and to please let her know what she and Altrusa can do for either me or my daughter.
The meaning of fractals for this posting is this. That single mom is rebuilding her shattered life and I too once had nothing but sharp jagged pieces of a bleeding life to build from. Not anymore. Instead of shattered, I have fractals. Truly beautiful and amazing.